You’re Lacking Boundaries, and Yes this WILL help you.

Boundaries
Written By Nick Vonpitt

The Boundary Trifecta

A 6 Step Approach on how to apply healthy boundaries to yourself, relationships and professional life.

Really take a moment right now and consider the last time you said ‘NO’ when you needed it most. The Benefits of boundaries are endless. If you are ready to start leveling up this article is for you. Apply these steps and you will see a change in the quality of your boundaries and life.

So…

What are Boundaries?

“Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even nonexistent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don’t have a strong identity or are enmeshed with someone else” (Cleantis, 2017).

Healthy boundaries can serve to establish one’s identity. Specifically, healthy boundaries can help people define their individuality and can help people get clear on what they will and/or will not hold themselves responsible for.

Setting boundaries is essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy. Creating healthy boundaries is empowering. Limits and healthy frameworks allow you to protect your self-esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy relationships in all areas of your life.

Unhealthy boundaries cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even stress-induced physical illness. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will. On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation this was adapted from Anne Katherine author of Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. It’s kind of like being on luxury cruise ship, with no fuel, being stuck out at sea. No ability to get to new destinations or having others join you for the ride.

Areas you can typically set boundaries:

  • Personal space

  • Sexuality

  • Energetic

  • Emotions

  • Thoughts

  • Things

  • Time and energy

  • Culture, religion, and even ethics

Examples of Different Types of Boundaries

Professional Boundaries

In the corporate space I have noticed that in general we are so terrified of saying ‘no’ as it exposes us to abuse, in some way shape or form. This is a systemic issue that most individuals are unable to speak out when they are overloaded as there is an underlying fear which always results in the same outcome. Setting your own needs aside for the sake of the greater good.

Boundary issues at work look like

  • Doing work for others

  • Being asked about personal issues

  • Taking on more than you can handle

  • Flirting in the workplace

  • Working without pay

  • Not taking advantage of vacation days that are due

  • Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete

  • Engaging in stressful interactions regularly

  • Working during downtime (weekends or lunch breaks)

  • Not taking needed time off from work

  • You tell your coworkers to not contact you on your personal phone when asking about work related things

  • You are clear on the type of relationships and way in which you wish you to be treated in and around the workplace

Boundaries in family/romantic relationships

This tends to be difficult space to implement a boundary. Lot’s of triggers and emotional politics. However, these moments and conversations tend to really reflect where you are in terms of your personal boundaries. Here are some ideas of what these boundaries could look like.

  • You tell your family, friends to first contact you before rocking up at your house

  • When people raise their voice at me, I tell them it’s not okay.

  • You keep your personal relationships private and choose to not share it with family and you firmly state that

  • You agree with your partner to have one night to yourself each week.

  • You tell your partner on what you’re comfortable with during intimate physical interactions

  • You ask your partner, room mates or kids to help around the house

  • You ask for individuals to take their shoes off before entering your home

Boundaries for yourself

Another way to look at this is self-care. Steps you can take too prioritize yourself include:

  • I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy.

  • I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity.

  • I practice positive self-talk.

  • “I’m committing to no screen time 30 minutes before bed, because I value my health, and getting better sleep is an act of self-respect. I feel so much more vibrant when I’m well-rested!

  • When my partner triggers me, I’m going to practice responding mindfully rather than reacting from a place of anger, because I value this relationship. I feel so much more connected to my partner when we have healthy communication!

  • I’m committing to a daily walk outside on my lunch breaks, because I deserve to give myself a moment of pause. When I listen to my needs and don’t overwork myself, I feel happier and more balanced in all areas of my life.”

I love the above extract from poosh.com (click on the link to read more)

Why consider setting boundaries?

  • It allows you to make time and space for positive/expansive interactions

  • It allows you to practice self-care and respect which reflects towards others through your interactions

  • It allows you to be a better communicator and in turn communicate your needs in relationships, friendships or in the workspace

  • It allows you to set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy

    In Short Boundaries help you monitor your own behavior and create a healthy structure for your life. They keep you from binge eating, having sugar at every meal or even staying up until 3 a.m. ‘Doom Scrolling’, when there are responsibilities that need to take place in the morning. When you take the time and set the intention of setting a boundary with yourself, you’re saying: “Here’s the line between what’s okay for me and what’s not. Here’s the line that I won’t cross.”

    Essentially the act of setting boundaries for ourselves is nothing more or less than loving and respecting yourself through action. Boundaries keep us safe and healthy. They create a sense of knowing and consistency that is so important for us as humans to feel a sense of Safety.

    A Study was done on - Crafting Task and Cognitive Job Boundaries to Enhance Self-Determination, Impact, Meaning and Competence at Work - https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/9/12/136/htm

    Another approach to studying boundaries is considering their benefits when implemented. This study focused on workers who were setting clear boundaries in their workplace. The Results were rather interesting, as they found:

    • Higher motivation in the work space

    • Sense of empowerment - through decision making and conversations

    • Greater wellbeing - overall

How to diagnose the need of boundaries - in your personal and business life

Unhealthy Boundaries can be characterized by:

• Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.

• There is a visceral feeling that you have when you allow someone to cross your boundaries or you crossed your own - this is normally cumulative in nature

• Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.

• Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment. • Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.

• Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.

Here are some symptoms that may indicate a lack of boundaries:

  • Feeling chronically taken advantage of in certain situations, such as emotionally, financially, or physically.

  • Saying "yes" to please others at your own expense.

  • You don't get your needs met because you tend to fear conflict and give in to others.

  • Often feeling disrespected by others, but not standing up for yourself.

  • Your fear of being rejected or abandoned leaves you accepting less that you deserve.

Why it’s hard to set boundaries with yourself

Maintaining boundaries, can be a struggle for most people. We all agree that limits and structure are good for us, it’s creating that space that allows for creativity, although its hard to actually do such consistently. Have you thought about what makes it hard for you to set limits for yourself? Here are some reasons behind this:

  • You have never been taught to consider yourself as you do others.

  • The inverse of having too many boundaries around you as a child, has led you to seeing the limitation behind them and seeking a sense of ease - at your own expense

  • Your parents didn’t set healthy limits or boundaries for themselves.

  • Your parents didn’t set consistent, reasonable limits or boundaries for you. (There were no rules, inconsistent rules, or extremely strict rules.)

  • Boundaries or limits can feel like you’re being deprived or controlled, and lessen the expression of you

  • Some mental health problems or addiction can impair your thinking or make it difficult to manage yourself and the limits you wish to set.

If as a child you found that your parents modeled healthy habits most of the time such as bathing, brushing your teeth, going to bed and waking up at specific times. Overtime, these practices are internalized and are now boundaries in which you are able to set for yourself. In turn this allows you to create more a safe space through a controlled predictable environment - to a degree. This also means that you may recognize the importance of self preservation through basic self care practices.

However, on the flip side, having paternal figure who lacked boundaries in their own lives i.e. excessive smoking , drinking, new partners regularly, always speaking about financial issues in front of you, discussing others and their relationships around you (to name a few). The lack and inconsistency of their boundaries would reflect in how you practice them in for yourself, in your relationships and professionally.

If no one taught you how to set boundaries or explained that they are for your health and safety, it makes sense that you might struggle to set them for yourself now. If you had to care for yourself to just survive i.e. put yourself to bed, make yourself food, care for your younger sibling (being a parent as a child) and so you. On some level you realized that no one’s paying attention to you; you can’t trust your parents to look out for you. You had todo this for yourself each and every day just to survive. (your own version of boundaries)

Setting limits for yourself is one way to start the process of reparenting yourself Boundaries give you the limits, security, and structure that you didn’t get as a child.

Boundaries and Trauma

Below is an extract from - Nedra Glover Tawwab. (2021). Set Boundaries: A guide to reclaiming yourself.

Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries. Trauma in childhood includes sexual, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect.

Let’s look at each area:

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) survey was created to measure the impact of childhood trauma. The ACE measures trauma in the areas of abuse, neglect, and childhood dysfunction.

The ACE accounts for the following areas:

Abuse: physical, sexual, emotional Neglect: physical, emotional Household dysfunction: mental illness, incarcerated relative, substance abuse, mother treated violently, divorce (it’s also traumatic to move multiple times)

How Trauma Impacts Attachments:

Boundary violation due to trauma, whether in childhood or adulthood, affects our ability to form healthy attachments. There are two unhealthy attachment styles that affect boundaries in relationships:

  • Anxious Attachment Constantly seeking validation

  • Engaging in self-sabotaging behavior

  • Continually threatening to leave the relationship

  • Frequently arguing about how committed the other person is to the relationship

  • Breaking up often over trivial issues

  • Persistently questioning actions and intent, as they are seen as a threat

  • Having a paralyzing fear that the relationship will end

  • Desiring to be close but pushing people away

  • Demonstrating needy, attention-seeking behaviors

  • Feeling discomfort with being alone

This is something to consider if you have struggled with boundaries and experienced trauma, you can dive a lot deeper into this. I would the following book - Set Boundaries: A guide to reclaiming yourself. I would also recommend finding support through a licensed professional, if that feels like the next step.

6 Steps to Setting Boundaries

Setting Boundaries is a popular concept yet what does that actually mean? "Boundaries are the separations that humans need—mentally, emotionally, and physically—to feel safe, valued, and respected," says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, Calif. and author of Joy From Fear and Date Smart.

Boundary setting is important for your person, for others and even your dreams. And yes most of what will be denoted here you may have heard a similar process but in all cases we cannot forget about the energetic component and how to translate that into a practical process.

Step 1 - The Goal Behind the Boundary

You may not immediately know which parts of your life are most in need of boundaries, and that's more than fine Create space for self-awareness and reflection, and then to process your thoughts and gain a sense of clarity. This could be aided by really looking at some of the examples above and seeing where if you implemented a boundary in this area of your life, be it personal or professional how would this help you feel more at ease?

Define YOUR boundaries

Before you learn how to set boundaries with people, you need to figure out what they are for you personally. Here are some ways you can do that.

Get Clear on your Values

Starting from your values helps ensure that boundaries play a positive role in your life.

This is a very personal way of looking at this. Look if you aren't clear on your values then maybe this could help you gain some more clarity. (Click here to get my Values worksheet)

In a nutshell, our “Values” describe what is important in a person’s life. They unconsciously help us to form our individual principles (Which are far more static and unheeding). Values are the foundation to a person character, attitude, perceptive and overall behavior. An individual always uses values to make decisions about right and wrong alongside their intuition. Think of values as the expression of your ego.

Take a moment to think about what is truly important to you. Write down a list of 5-10 things. This can be anything: family, health, personal growth etc. I would recommend using the sheet above to give you more clarity in this regard.

The boundaries that you decide to embody, will need to reflect these values you have and sill help you achieve them. For example, if you value having space for yourself, let those closest to you know that you need them to contact you well in advance before you set something up with them.

Reflect on your emotions and feelings

When we feel discomfort in our bodies it isn’t a pleasant feeling. When something like this arises, we tend to disconnect or sweep the feeling away. Why dive into something we would deem as ‘negative’? What does this have todo with boundaries?

Well looking at the complex nature of the human being, our emotions are rather important. Remember this is is the process of : Thought - Emotion - Action - Perceived Reality

Realising this, one would see the healthiest thing to do would be to spend some time examining the feeling and sensation. Discomfort arises for many reasons and one of them tends to be when boundary has not been asserted or has been crossed. Discomfort and anger tend to be the main emotions that arise.

Fun Fact - Anger is there to protect you when you boundary has been compromised. The difficulty in internalising this idea is that we are the ones responsible for it.

Understand that different relationships require different boundaries.

Boundaries are often very different depending on the situation and the people involved as well as your unique perception of yourself and reality play a role.

Many a time there is a lack of understanding be it in an intimate relationship, family or the workplace. This arises through poor communication and sometimes values not being in alignment with the boundary itself.

Listen to YOUR Guidance System or GUT

Your instincts can help you determine when someone is violating your boundaries or when you need to set one up.

“Check in with your body (heart rate, sweating, tightness in chest, stomach, throat) to tell you what you can handle and where the boundary should be drawn,” Kennedy says.

Maybe you clench your fists when your roommate borrows your new coat, for example. Or you tighten your jaw when your relatives ask about your dating life.

Step 2 - Get those Boundaries in Place

Now that you’ve defined your boundaries, it’s time to implement them! Here are some tips.

Start Small

Perhaps you haven’t set boundaries yet, or people have been breaking them for a long time. In this case, starting big might feel overwhelming. That’s totally fine – Rome wasn’t built in a day either. Lay down the first stone, then build on it over time.

The idea of setting boundaries when they have either been non existent or have not been respected by yourself an others - for years on end - can be overwhelming. Personally I think its the recognition that there is a need for change.

“A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single Step” Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu

For example, if you are someone that is always available. Someone messages you, you respond. No matter time of day, work or personal related - there is just no clear line between your life and the things that you do.

A great start would be setting clear times to respond to messages/ emails. Create a response time block in the morning and then in the afternoon.

Not only will you have more time for yourself/work but also more space to make better decisions for yourself.

Note: You may need more blocks to start with i.e. 3 to 5 30min periods to respond etc. As you get the hang of it you can lessen the number.

The plus side of this is that along the way, you can re-evaluate if you’re heading in the right direction. through gauging your values and boundaries. If not, you can reconsider your values and adjust your boundaries accordingly, because you are ever changing. Embrace that.

Step 3 - Clear Communication with yourself and others

So now you’ve fully defined your boundaries. Great! But you can’t expect others to have a crystal ball and automatically know what they are. You have to communicate your boundaries with the people they involve.

Not communicating your boundaries isn’t fair to you, nor to others. It would be like grading kids on knowledge you haven’t yet taught them. You’d just be setting your relationships up for conflict.

Of course, most relationships don’t start with two people sitting down and mapping out their boundaries. You can just communicate boundaries with people as they come up.

However, there might be someone who has been crossing your unspoken boundaries for a long time. In this case, you may need to sit down for a serious conversation. You need to let them know that things are going to change and why it’s important for your relationship.

Whatever the case, be firm, but kind. Remember that you haven’t communicated your boundary to this person until now. So they haven’t really crossed a boundary. To them, it doesn’t exist!

Either way, communicating boundaries isn’t necessarily easy. Here are some ways to do it effectively and without creating conflict.

Make use of “I” statements

Your boundaries are based on your values, and so they’re highly personal to you. If you communicate your boundaries this way, they won’t sound like an attack against the other person. “I” statements are just the trick to do this.

Consider the difference between these two comments:

“You have to stop bothering me after work”

“I need some time to myself when I get back from work”.

The first one sounds aggressive, accusatory, and punishing. The “I” statement leads to more cooperation, less hurt feelings, and a healthier relationship.

Here's a great framework from ‘The No BS Guide to Protecting Your Emotional Space’

How to use “I” Statements

I feel ____ when _____ because ____________________________.

What I need is ______________________________________________.

Using assertive language, allows communication to be clear and nonnegotiable

State Solid facts

Overstepping Boundaries is the norm, people can do this on purpose or without them knowing due to poor communication. The idea of the boundary being clearly set is uncomfortable for most.

When a boundary has been overstepped, ignored or breached one can feel rather uncomfortable, hurt and angry.

As mentioned above boundaries are typically overlooked due to:

  1. Lack of clarity in communication

  2. No Communication has actually taken place about said boundary

  3. The person has different values than you, and so your boundaries aren’t obvious to them. ( I find this is where communication and intuition comes in)

Charged Language vs Facts

Emotionally charged language is typically used when we are expressing and experience that we have personally undergone and wish to convey our emotions to another party.

This is great when writing an essay but when you are trying to create boundaries it is far more important to communicate the facts without painting it with emotions.

I.e.

Charged Language - I am so disappointed in you for staying out so late, and I have been an absolute wreck, because I had no idea where you were and if something happened to you.

Facts - I was worried about you last night and in future I need you to let me know where you are, incase there is an emergency.

You are saying the same thing but the one clearly creates more sense and is even actionable in this case.

Your two Letter POWER WORD

No. A full sentence on its own. Saying no can be really uncomfortable especially when we don’t give an explanation. The other side of the word no is yes. Why do we never expand on the yes but always feel the need to validate our “no’s”?

Normally the just of the explanation is to curb any big feelings that others may experience with the No and this is very seldom the actual reason why. Take a second and go back to any recent no you have given with an explanation - feel how you felt, possibly some guilt, or shame.

You can still however use your “no” curtly without the need to explain.

Step 4 - Maintain your boundaries

By now, you’ve communicated your boundaries. But if you fail to follow up on them, you’re actually making things worse than if you never set them at all. People will see that you don’t take your boundaries seriously, and then they won’t either. Here are some tips for maintaining your boundaries.

Now once you've set them it's a whole different kettle of fish, maintaining them. Personally I feel like this is a test of your own integrity and creates clarity behind the boundary.

You can see where you may need support, or where you may possibly need to shift a narrative so it's in alignment with your values.

Quick Tip - if you are unsure on a boundary - test to see how you would feel if that boundary was taken away or crossed. That can be a good indicator on what next steps you need to take regarding that boundary.

Dust off those values and keep them in mind

Come back to ground zero. It is so important to realize that your values create a solid foundation for you to go back and reflect on whenever there are.

Be mindfulness of these values and prioritize them, meaning prioritize things that bring you ease, fulfillment and joy.

Consistent Boundaries

You change over time. This is a universal truth and as you do your boundaries may also wish to move with you. Its important to reflect on who you were and if those values as well as boundaries coincide with who you are now. It's important to be clear with yourself when making these refinements so that others are clear on the new you.

The idea is to have other acclimate to you without them feeling that you are unsure of what you want and who you are.

Follow through and ensure there are consequences to said boundary

Be firm, be clear and communicate consequences to not honouring said boundary. Best case scenario, everyone is on the same page and your boundaries are honoured.

Worst case scenario is that you need to be prepared to walk away from people that are not willing to honour your boundaries. Why compromise who and what you are? That being said this is not done as a a form of justification but as an act of mutual compassion and self love.

How do I stop feeling guilty for setting Boundaries

Well it starts with shifting your narrative. You can only be accountable for the decisions that you make not anyone else. You are responsible for you, not everything that happens. Allow yourself to feel into the discomfort and let it be. Avoiding the feeling will only cause it to occur more frequently.

Step 5 - Respect other people’s boundaries

Boundaries are a two-way street. You should set your own and hold others accountable for respecting them. But you should also respect other people’s boundaries. People lean to one side more than another at times.

The universal understanding of a boundary is that it is made from a space of love and compassion so that all parties are respected even when there may be some resistance.

Here are some ways in which you could possibly improve said boundaries:

Gratitude 101

Gratitude is a foundational tool in your overall wellbeing. When you are communicating boundaries it may feel awkward or when others start doing so you may feel rejected of dismissed. Remember when another person sets a boundary it is done out of a need to protect said person and yourself. This lessens the chance of you having to offend or overstep to get the message.

You can do this by responding with gratitude:

  • “I value your honesty”

  • “I appreciate you sharing that with me”

  • “Thank you for letting me know how I can help our relationship stay healthy”

The above is an extract from Silvia. (2021, October 24). How to set boundaries with People

Communicate and don’t Mindread

It’s important to view it from not only your perspective but theirs, honouring them as well as the relationship/connection that you share. You may need to also ask and not assume, which is really worth noting. Many of us assume the boundaries of others and don’t ask for permission or clarity.

Do this and clear the air if you are unsure.

Depending on the response, go back to a state of gratitude.

Now that you know how to set your own you also need to be able to honour other individuals boundaries

Step 6 - Practice, Practice and Practice

This is not an overnight process. This is a process of figuring yourself out, your values the things that light you up and switch you off. It’s about saying “YES” and “NO” when you need too.

Just like a muscle requires continuous stimulus to grow, you will need to adopt the same mindset with your boundaries. It won’t always feel good, but overtime it becomes your new normal, you end up creating the safe space not only for you but those around you.


In Summary - What it means to really set Boundaries

After delving into the above you begin to understand that boundaries are not as static as you may have once thought. You will need to expand/ constrict the boundaries you set over time as you change.

Understanding the word ‘no’, the when and the how behind using it effectively.

It's also worth noting that a person with healthy boundaries is able to adjust their boundaries depending on the situation to allow for the appropriate level of connection, says Manly. "In practice, we consciously and unconsciously use boundaries to let others know what is acceptable or appropriate," she explains. "When our boundaries are too permeable, we might tend to let people take advantage of us, or accept abusive treatment. When our boundaries are too rigid, we might behave in highly defended ways to keep respectful, loving people at a distance."

It really comes down to realizing that “Here is what I have to give, if I don't have anything to contribute or if I do, it will be to the detriment of my ‘person’ that means I need to set a clear boundary.” Funny enough I find that we tend to resent ourselves when we do cross this line.

Communication is key - we get into relationships with other peoples potentials and so we get lost in who we project ourselves to be versus where we are right now.

If you can know the potential you are, that you have realized yourself to be, you are having to be boldly honest instead of having to stay in character you will be able to tap into who you are at a quantum level. You will have the power to say what you can and cannot do. Without having to internalize, elf esteem and worthiness. Honesty can set you free. Moving out of the paradigm set in society where putting your needs above others makes other people look at you and say they are placing themselves above me. That's their world not yours. You live in a world where boundaries are for you and not against anyone else.

A Snippet of one of Matt Kahn’s Teachings

Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they've met themselves. This is the heart of clarity.

Key Takeaway’s:

  • Communicate from a space of compassion and love rooted in yourself. This is the space in which you communicate your boundaries from.

  • People only want you to fill their desires vs what you need todo for you.

  • Teach other people how they want to be treated through putting yourself first.

  • You don't have to take on their experience as if it is something that you ah really done wrong.

Here’s an Affirmation for you to use and feel into:

In the name of boundaries as an act of self love, today I put my priorities first.

Repeat.

Boundaries starts with really getting to know yourself and how you interact with the world. With that ‘knowing’, knowing how to have the world interact with you.

The choice is now yours.

Do you trust yourself enough to actually take this step on your own? Only 13 percent of self help readers are able to action what they read/ learn.

The solution to this is having someone hold you accountable, shift your perspective and create an environment where change is sustainable on all levels of your life.

Be the change. Take a different action.

If you are ready to step into the next phase of your life, with a stronger sense of boundaries and being help accountable.

Then Book a call with me.


Make the shift.


References

Nick Vonpitt

Life and Business Strategist

Transformative Coaching, NLP, and EFT

https://www.thejourneyofnow.com/work-with-nick
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