Finding Meaning in the Abyss
An Exploration of Existential Depression also known as the dark night of the soul
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“During the dark night there is no choice but to surrender control, give in to unknowing, and stop and listen to whatever signals of wisdom might come along. It’s a time of enforced retreat and perhaps unwilling withdrawal. The dark night is more than a learning experience; it’s a profound initiation into a realm that nothing in the culture, so preoccupied with external concerns and material success, prepares you for.”
Thomas Moore - Dark Nights of the Soul: A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life's Ordeals
Over the last few weeks, I have found myself in a space that is eerily familiar. Trying to convey this space in a few words could possibly feel like the following.
Liken your journey to that of being an alpineer. You’re at base camp, you just got there with all your old tools, the weight of your old life, beliefs, and traumas all hauled up with you. As you get into the tent you have to lay it all down and take stock. Take stock of the life you have lived and the experiences that may have passed yes you have not allowed them to pass. You hold them emotionally, mentally and even physically. As you repack your bag, you are about to venture out, to claim your summit, be it fulfilment, reclamation, healing, or success, there is still a path you need to walk, to climb to figure out. For a few days, the climb is going well, you are building momentum, have a good pace, you have trained and you know that you can handle this. And then one day, the snowfall covered some eerily thin ice, where you in all your confidence, step. You fall and fall, and fall into more darkness, eventually being caught by a jagged ledge of ice that is wide enough to catch your body. Thud. The body trembles and adrenaline, shock, confusion, chaos and panic ensue. ‘Fuck I fell into a crevasse’, no signal on the sat phone, it’s late, hardly any light. you have your backpack and yourself. That is all.
The air is thin, it is cold, there is no space to really turn, and you have to make peace with where you are. The only tools you have consists of your mind, your will and the choices available to you. Do you wait for help? Do you climb? If you choose to climb you will have to cut the weight, your bag is far too bulky, too full, and too heavy to cart out of this space. You need to be selective about what you can carry with you, the rest is integrated, honoured and left. It no longer serves now. You need to be fluid, trust, and step whilst you have the urge. Yes, prep, sit, focus, and clear the mind, know this will be hard, yet the process will be the same. Make peace with what or who you thought you were, and step into who you are.
The Latin Translation existential is existentialis/exsistentialis which means ‘about existence’ and for depression is animus fractus which signifies ‘a split’ or a broken mind. This translation best describes this dis-ease, and also the state of mind of anyone who has identified the body-object, multifaceted false personality and where that fits into reality/life/existence as a whole.
What is Existential Depression?
Existential depression is not just a clinical condition, but a deep search for purpose in the midst of life's most trying moments - the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, ageing and illness, career disappointments or overall dissatisfaction with life. As someone who values deep philosophical introspection, I know firsthand the profound and all-encompassing nature of this experience. It can feel like a spiritual emergency, leaving one feeling numb and lost, searching for meaning and answers to life's biggest questions.
Despite many seeking psychotherapy and other forms of treatment, the feelings typically persist, leaving one feeling even more alone and hopeless than before. Traditionally, the Dark Night of the Soul refers to the experience of one losing touch with God/Creator and being plunged into the abyss or a void. The modern concept of a Dark Night of the Soul is not necessarily religious in nature, but rather refers to the sense of losing all meaning, feeling disconnected from the Divine, and having no solid ground to stand on. During this time, we grapple with the heaviest of questions, searching for answers to life's greatest mysteries
Certain questions tend to arise that may possibly resonate with you on your journey. “What is my purpose?”, “Who or what is God?”, “Is there a point to existence?” etc.
The Dark Night of the Soul Compared to Regular Depression
While depression and the Dark Night share similarities, the latter goes beyond the biological and psychological causes of the former. It's an experience that feels like a deep, spiritual crisis, where one feels lost, disconnected, and hopeless.
Depression can be treated and often cured with different methods like medication, CBT, mindfulness practices, and lifestyle changes. But the Dark Night of the Soul requires a different kind of attention. It's a journey that requires introspection, reflection, and the willingness to face one's deepest fears and shadows.
Depression often has its roots in biological chemical imbalances and unhealthy thought patterns. It can be triggered by personal loss, mental illness, physical illness, abuse, genetics, and more. But the Dark Night of the Soul is often an existential crisis that arises from a profound sense of disconnection with oneself, others, and the universe.
In my experience, navigating the Dark Night of the Soul has been a transformative journey that has allowed me to connect with my innermost self and find meaning in my life. It has been a painful yet rewarding process of shedding old beliefs and patterns and discovering new ways of being.
The Dark Night of the Soul is like a spiritual form of depression that cannot be treated with therapy or medicine. It's an existential crisis where we feel hopeless and alone, and we realize that we must save ourselves. I know firsthand how it feels to experience complete psychological and spiritual desolation, but there is hope if we look for it.
When we feel disconnected from God or our Soul, we also feel depressed. This is similar to what the Eastern understanding of depression is.
Existential Depression, being a HSP, and Giftedness
In my experience, I have found that sensitive individuals tend to be more susceptible to experiencing existential depression compared to the general population. This is because their heightened sensitivity allows them to feel and perceive things that others may not. As someone who identifies as a sensitive person, I can attest to this firsthand.
Existential depression can be an isolating experience because those who suffer from it often feel like they exist on a different plane from the rest of society. This sense of disconnection and misunderstanding can be overwhelming and debilitating.
It is important to note, however, that not all sensitive people will experience existential depression, and experiencing it does not mean one is doomed to always feel that way. Like many things in life, it exists on a spectrum.
At the core of existential depression is often a gifted individual - someone with a unique perspective on the world, perhaps an artist, poet, or wise old soul. Unfortunately, our society often fails to provide a place for these individuals to feel understood and valued, which only exacerbates their sense of displacement and disconnection.
As someone who has experienced existential depression, I can attest to the importance of acknowledging and honouring the gifts and perspectives of sensitive individuals. By creating spaces where sensitivity is recognized and appreciated, we can help alleviate the sense of isolation and disconnection that can come with existential depression.
Existential Depression: Signs, Symptoms, and Causes
Existential depression is a condition that affects people who are struggling to find meaning in their lives or come to terms with their existence. Here are some of the signs and symptoms of existential depression:
Signs and Symptoms:
Fixation on life's deeper meaning or discovering your sense of purpose
Sadness and hopelessness related to the inability to answer existential questions
Hopelessness about the fate of society, or the world in general
Frequent thoughts of death, dying, or suicide
Fear of death
A sense of futility or helplessness when it comes to creating meaning or change in your life
The realization that the world is unjust or unfair
Wanting more from life than everyday routines that seem mundane and unimportant
Disconnection or detachment in your personal relationships, often because you believe they'll eventually end, anyway
Loss of interest in the activities and hobbies you usually enjoy, often because these things seem pointless
The belief that nothing you do will make a difference, so you wonder why you should bother at all
Difficulty interacting with people who seem unconcerned about existential concepts
Loss of motivation or difficulty making choices, often because you feel overwhelmed by the possibilities
Causes:
Existential depression can be caused by a variety of factors, including:
Trauma, loss, or another life-altering event that prompts existential questioning
Awareness of death's inevitability and what happens afterwards
The sheer magnitude of choices (and consequences) available in life
Disconnection from others and the eventual loss of important relationships
Wondering what point your life has
The Path Forward: What to Do When You're in the Abyss
As someone who has wrestled with these questions, feelings and ideas, I can tell you: that it doesn’t go away with simple platitudes or distractions. It requires confronting the vast, often uncomfortable expanse of life and your place in it. But the beauty lies in that process of confrontation. It’s not about finding quick solutions; it’s about the search itself.
Here are some helpful tips and practices that can help alleviate your suffering (based on my own experience):
Sleep - the foundation of our health - not being neurotic yet if you are getting less than 7 hours of good quality sleep this is something that needs to be looked at. There are many things we can eliminate to improve this such as blue light, a solid winding down routine, resetting the Circadian Rhythm of the body getting the room to an optimal temperature, typically 2 degrees cooler, are noteworthy places to start
Seek support: Talking to someone you trust, such as a friend, family member, or holistic therapist, can help you process your feelings and find ways to manage them.
Exercise regularly: Regular physical activity can help reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety and improve overall well-being
Eat a healthy diet: A balanced diet can provide you with the nutrients you need to maintain good physical and emotional health. If you are a male I would recommend looking at Black Maca - a very helpful and supportive superfood.
The inner work is not just self-care or finding ‘problems’ it is really venturing deep into the human being, it is letting go of the stories that have shaped you and allowing yourself, and your free will to shape the remainder of your life. Integrating yourself back into life. It may start with Inner child healing, or recognising that you are not fulfilled, or a void that you may be avoiding yet it will always come back to you being willing to change and truly meet yourself—the full expression of you.
Mindfulness can be expanded to the following:
Giving Your Pain a Higher Spiritual Meaning - When we're going through tough times, it can feel like there's no end in sight. But what if we shifted our perspective and saw our struggles as a part of a spiritual journey? This is the concept of "Soul Loss" and the "Dark Night of the Soul," which helped me a lot. It made me realize that my pain had a higher purpose, and it wasn't just meaningless suffering.
The Limits of the Mind - Our minds are powerful tools, but they have their limitations. Don't get stuck in the cycle of constantly seeking answers and never finding satisfaction. Instead, try to find balance by engaging in activities that allow you to live in the present moment. Pursue hobbies that challenge you and bring you joy. Remember, life is more than just the intellectual pursuit of knowledge.
Finding Stillness in Every Moment - It's easy to get caught up in the chaos of life, but we can find peace in every moment if we take the time to be still. Meditation is one of the best ways to experience this deep, abiding peace. Start small, with just ten minutes a day, and explore different types of meditation to find what works best for you.
Discovering Your Passion - What makes your heart sing? Think back to your childhood, or explore different fields of interest. Finding your passion and purpose in life can help you move through tough times with renewed energy and motivation.
Nurturing Yourself with Compassion - Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Practice self-care, release negative patterns and beliefs, and connect with your inner child. Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to take a step back and prioritize your well-being.
Connecting with Others and the World - Connecting with animals, nature, and like-minded individuals can help ease the feelings of isolation that often come with existential depression. Seek out a therapist or counselor who specializes in spiritual emergence or existential depression to find additional support.
Taking Responsibility for Your Happiness and Joy - It's easy to feel helpless when we're going through a tough time, but remember that you have the power to take control of your own happiness. Embrace both the light and dark sides of life, and find ways to experience wholeness and joy every day. You are more than your struggles, and by exploring your spirituality, you can tap into a mysterious and powerful force within you that goes beyond the limitations of the mind.
Alternative Medicine, if you have ventured down the ‘gold standard’ path and you are seeking another way, I would highly recommend getting squinted with plant medicine, starting with plant medicine ceremonies such as Kambo, Psilocybin and Bufo
Micro-dosing - If the above feels a lot to take in invite you to watch Netflix Docuseries called “How to Change your Brain”
Avoid alcohol and drugs: Substance abuse can exacerbate symptoms of depression, anxiety, and overwhelm and create additional problems. This also supports the idea of you being present to experience yourself, your emotions and your thoughts.
Using Human Design and Genekeys to identify where you are more prone to melancholy episodes, patterns and beliefs - This tool helped in getting clear on the micro and macro, from a personal and cyclical perspective
Conclusion: Embracing the Unknown
It’s easy to feel like you’re stuck, alone in that dark, cold crevasse. But here’s the truth: this darkness isn’t a dead-end—it’s a doorway. By surrendering to the process, shedding the unnecessary weight, and trusting that there’s light ahead, you’ll emerge from this experience transformed.
The journey isn’t about finding the perfect answer; it’s about the process of asking better questions. And along the way, you’ll discover that the real purpose, the real meaning, comes not from what you find but from the journey itself.
I want to leave you with this extract from Syd Banks, a Mystic:
Syd talked about life in terms of three principles – irreducible elements out of which everything in life is created. Here is a starting point to this deeper understanding of life, reality and the self.
‘Mind is the intelligence of literally all things in this world or any other world… It’s the Mind that has the power to guide you through life.’
‘Consciousness gives us the ability to realize the existence of life… Consciousness is infinite – there is no end to it.’
‘Thought is a gift we were given to have the freedom to walk through life and see what we want to see… Thought is not reality, yet it is through Thought that our realities are created.’
Putting them all together creates:
‘Mind + Consciousness + Thought = Reality’
‘Our thoughts are the camera, our eyes are the lens. Put them together and the picture we see is reality.’
Do not seek happiness, as it is circumstantial, seek the joy that can be found within yourself, within any given moment.
The above strategies will give you more space to forge a path towards presence within yourself and life. Give yourself time to deepen your experience and trust your process.
Until next traveller.
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https://drgabormate.com/lesson-robin-williams-take-depression-seriously/
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References
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