How do you know if it’s love or a trauma bond?

Trauma Bonds Thrive on Intensity

The Gottman Institute makes a clear distinction between these two means of connection: Love, characterized by mutual growth and intimacy, and trauma bonds, which are driven by intensity and a toxic cycle of fear, arousal, and enmeshment.

Over the last few years, I have had numerous clients who have been subjected to love bombing, entanglement and overall confusion within their relationships. In such relationships, one of us was always cast as the victim while the other became the victimizer. It's a form of entanglement where fear, vulnerability, and a chaotic emotional connection are intertwined, creating a volatile environment mistaken for passion.

Moving from Intensity to Intimacy: A New Way to Relate

Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher, introduces a potent practice that has been a guide in my personal journey: "Whatever arises, love that." This simple yet profound statement challenges us to approach our experiences, even the painful ones, with love and acceptance.

By keeping this as our frame, we can explore the difference between trauma bonds and healthy relationships more deeply. Noticing the impact of both in our lives allows us to feel more empowered in recognizing where we stand in our relationships at this very moment.

Understanding Trauma Bonding

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is the attachment that an abused person feels toward their abuser, particularly in a relationship characterized by a cyclical pattern of abuse and reconciliation. Unlike the often misunderstood notion that two people bond over shared trauma, true trauma bonding arises from a cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement. After episodes of abuse, the abuser often professes love, expresses regret, or attempts to make the relationship feel safe, creating a confusing dynamic for the abused person.

"A trauma bond develops in relationships where there is a power imbalance and a cycle of reward and punishment. The abuser holds power over the person being abused and alternates between hurting and soothing them."

This confusion makes it difficult to leave an abusive situation, as positive feelings toward the abuser can make the abused person feel attached and dependent.

Signs You May Have a Trauma Bond

Here are some signs that indicate you might be in a trauma bond:

• Emotionally caretaking others while ignoring your own needs.

• Constantly proving your worth to others and to yourself.

• Avoiding authenticity or openness due to fear of judgment.

• Feeling exhausted or unsupported due to perceived pressure from others.

• Disempowered feelings in the presence of coworkers, spouses, or family members.

Causes of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonds form due to stress responses like the "fight or flight" mechanism. When we are exposed to intermittent reinforcement — occasional love or comfort amidst abuse — it creates an addictive dynamic that clouds our perception, making it difficult to see the situation clearly.

By focusing on the positive reinforcement and contorting ourselves psychologically to receive it, we remain stuck in this toxic cycle. Breaking this pattern often requires outside support, an act of strength and wisdom.

How Trauma Bonding Impacts Our Lives

Trauma bonding affects not only the immediate relationship but also sets a template that may be applied to other relationships throughout life. It can lead to patterns such as emotional caretaking, avoidance of vulnerability, and a persistent need for external validation.

Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds

If you have experienced an abusive situation that led to trauma bonding, the first step is to name it. Recognizing the cycle is a courageous move toward healing. Here are some steps to help you begin:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Understand that trauma bonding involves manipulation, control, and emotional abuse. Recognizing the pattern is the first step.

2. Practice Positive Self-Talk and Self-Care: Shift the internal dialogue to one of self-compassion. Engage in acts that reinforce your autonomy and self-worth.

3. Seek Professional Help: Therapists, support groups, or trauma specialists can provide guidance tailored to your situation.

4. Set Boundaries: Learn to assert boundaries, and recognize that this is not selfish but essential for your mental and emotional well-being.

Healing Through a Different Lens

Matt Kahn suggests that "redemption begins when we turn toward the idea that nothing in my life can change until I open up to the fact that only I can give myself the things that others seem to withhold from me." In other words, our healing accelerates when we stop blaming and start taking responsibility for giving ourselves what we need. This requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to step outside the ego’s comfort zone.

Practicing Self-Love and Nurturing Attention

Inner work involves giving ourselves positive, nurturing attention. It’s not about neglecting ourselves while ‘working on ourselves,’ but rather about cultivating an internal environment where we can grow. When we begin to love ourselves unconditionally, we develop the capacity to see and respond to others at their highest selves, regardless of their actions.

Reimagining Relationships: A New Paradigm

Healthy relationships under a new paradigm involve two individuals who make it their business to show their partner the love and respect they deserve to offer themselves. As each person cultivates inner love, they have more to give, creating a dynamic where both partners uplift and affirm each other's worth.

Conclusion: Cultivating Conscious Connection

Reflecting on your relationship and how you connect with your partner is a brave and challenging endeavor. It requires intimacy, vulnerability, and a willingness to uncover truths that may be unexpected or uncomfortable. Remember, the person you choose to journey through life with is a partner not just in your moments of joy, but also in your growth, healing, and transformation.

The goal is to foster a connection built on healthy principles — one where love, respect, and understanding are the foundation. Yet, even when you feel your relationship is on solid ground, know that both you and your partner will continue to evolve. Keep the channels of communication open, stay vigilant for old patterns or beliefs that may resurface, and commit to the ongoing work of nurturing a deeper, more conscious connection.

Ultimately, relationships are not static; they are dynamic, ever-changing landscapes that require care, attention, and a shared intention to grow together. Embrace this journey with compassion, courage, and a commitment to love in all its forms.