Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart. As Annaliese Erin, a trauma and parenting coach, said during a podcast, “Parenting will show you who you are,” and that’s not an overstatement. Whether you're a seasoned parent or stepping into the wild ride of raising children, every phase is full of unexpected challenges that reveal more about yourself than you may expect.

Picture this: a blended family with five children, all under the age of six, each with their own vibrant personalities and intense emotions. Overwhelming? Absolutely. But for Annaliese Erin, a seasoned parenting and trauma coach, this was more than just a challenge—it was a profound learning experience. Thrown into the deep end of parenting, Annaliese quickly realized that the key to effective parenting isn’t about controlling your children—it’s about mastering your own emotional regulation.

One powerful truth? You can’t guide your children effectively until you learn to manage your own emotions.

What is emotional resilience?

Emotional resilience is the ability to calm your mind after encountering a negative experience and navigate life’s challenges with an inner strength. It’s an intrinsic motivation that helps you hold steady through life’s ups and downs. Like emotional and social intelligence, emotional resilience is a trait that we are born with, but it continues to develop and evolve throughout our lives, shaped by factors such as age, identity, and personal experiences. It reflects your capacity to respond to stressful or unexpected situations and crises with balance and adaptability.

Here are the key takeaways from our podcast conversation:

1. Understanding Emotional Resilience Begins with You

One of the most profound insights Annaliese shared is that teaching emotional resilience to children begins with the parent. Children are constantly watching and mimicking their parents, so the emotional state you model becomes a template for how your child will learn to manage their emotions.

When you react to stressful situations with calmness and grace, your child absorbs this behavior. The key here is that emotional regulation isn't about suppressing emotions but rather allowing yourself (and your child) to feel them and process them in a healthy manner. Erin emphasizes that learning to regulate emotions is a skill, and it starts with recognizing your internal emotional state throughout the day. This might look like setting timers on your phone to check in with yourself, asking, "How am I feeling?" and then taking steps to regulate if needed. Whether it's a deep breath or stepping outside for a moment, these small actions can teach both parents and children to navigate difficult emotions.

2. Tantrums Are Communication—Respond with Empathy, Not Punishment

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting is dealing with tantrums and emotional outbursts. According to Annaliese, tantrums are often misunderstood. Instead of viewing them as disobedience or defiance, they should be seen as a child’s attempt to communicate their feelings when they lack the words to express them.

Rather than jumping to discipline or punishment, Erin suggests that parents respond with empathy. Acknowledge the child's emotions, even if their behavior needs correction. For example, if a child is upset because they can't have a toy before dinner, validate their feelings—"I understand you're upset because you want the toy"—but calmly explain why they can’t have it right now. This teaches them that it’s okay to feel upset, but there are boundaries.

3. Brain Development Matters—Set Age-Appropriate Expectations

Another critical point Annaliese brought up is the importance of understanding a child’s brain development. Often, parents expect too much from young children who are still developing basic cognitive functions like impulse control, focus, and memory. For instance, it’s unrealistic to expect a toddler to sit still for long periods or control their impulses.

By setting realistic expectations based on where your child is developmentally, you can reduce frustration for both you and your child. When children feel overwhelmed, they need help regulating their emotions, not punishment for failing to meet adult standards. This compassionate approach strengthens the parent-child bond and creates a safer emotional space for kids to grow.

4. Effective Communication for Neurodiverse Children

Parents of children with ADHD, anxiety, or other neurodiverse conditions often face additional challenges when it comes to communication. Erin suggests a highly empathetic approach. Rather than trying to change these children to fit into a "normal" mold, meet them where they are. Understand that their outbursts or inattentiveness aren't intentional but are often due to their brain's wiring.

For example, a neurodivergent child might need more structure, visual cues, or physical prompts to help them understand expectations. The key is to stay flexible and recognize that what works one day may not work the next—parenting, especially with neurodivergent children, requires constant adaptability.

5. Building a Stronger Parent-Child Bond through Emotional Safety

Emotional safety is the foundation for a strong parent-child relationship. When a child feels seen, heard, and accepted for who they are—even when they’re having a meltdown—they develop a deeper sense of trust. Erin emphasizes that this trust is built by consistently validating your child’s emotions without giving in to inappropriate behavior.

When children feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to open up and share their feelings. This doesn’t mean they won’t test boundaries, but they will feel more connected to you, which makes it easier to guide them toward healthier emotional responses.

6. Ditch the Rewards and Punishments: Focus on Skill Building Instead

Annaliese suggests an alternative to traditional forms of discipline like rewards and punishments, which focus on external motivation. Instead, she advocates for teaching intrinsic motivation—helping children understand why certain behaviors are expected and how they impact others.

For example, instead of punishing a child for being rude, explain how their words made someone else feel and work with them on a better way to express their feelings. This approach not only strengthens the parent-child bond but also equips your child with emotional intelligence skills that will serve them for life.

7. Navigating Emotional Outbursts with Curiosity

A helpful tip Erin shared is to approach emotional outbursts with curiosity rather than frustration. Asking questions like, "I wonder why they are feeling this way?" can help de-escalate your reaction. It shifts your mindset from reacting to understanding, which leads to more effective communication and less tension.

8. The Role of Self-Care in Parenting

Finally, Annaliese stresses the importance of parental self-care. It’s impossible to pour into your child’s emotional cup if yours is empty. She encourages parents to take regular breaks and find small moments of joy in their day to recharge. Whether it’s reading, stepping outside, or engaging in a hobby, these activities help you return to your family with renewed energy and patience.

Becoming the Parent Your Child Needs

As Annaliese so eloquently put it, “Parenting isn’t about breaking your child’s spirit; it’s about guiding them through life’s emotional ups and downs.” But before you can be their guide, you need to master your own emotional landscape. Whether you’re dealing with a tantrum or teaching your child how to share, the first step always begins with you. Learning about yourself, being curious and open to growth will create a massive shift in your parenting, your relationships and life in general.

Parenting is indeed a wild ride—one that offers as much personal growth for you as it does for your children. As you learn to regulate your own emotions and meet your children where they are developmentally, you’ll unlock a deeper connection with them that goes beyond simple obedience. You’ll be raising emotionally intelligent, resilient individuals while growing into the best version of yourself along the way.

Parenting will push you, challenge you, and reveal your deepest insecurities, but with the right tools and a little grace, it will also transform you. Building emotional resilience in children starts with you—the parent. By modeling emotional regulation, responding with empathy, setting developmentally appropriate expectations, and prioritizing your own well-being, you can foster a family environment where everyone thrives. Keep learning, keep connecting, and most importantly, keep showing up—for both yourself and your children.

For more in-depth strategies and insights, tune in to the full episode of Your Frequency Shift with Annaliese Erin.